Grey.

Der Himmel weint
und ich mit ihm.

The paradox.

I am waiting for you

My little ones to come

To soothe my pain

But you won’t come

Ever again because

I am crying for you.

At day's end...

She is beautiful.

It is sunday, the 11th of august, 2013, 11.31 (starting to write this blog entry... we will see how long it will take me to finish...).

I created her during the last days. I started at saturday and finished her the saturday after (yesterday). I made her out of polymer clay (this time a mixture of fimo classic and cernit, because I had it at hand). Originally it was white polymer clay and yes, I loved the matt white look. But it was not perfect somehow. Like with my doll head with the flowers I made some time ago (still not painted), I was afraid of ruining her by adding paint. But I needed to make her. I used the swellegant paints from Christie Friesen. Several layers of brass, all oxidation fluids (I wanted different shades and colours), a lot of different colour patines (don't ask me which ones... I am just going, trying, adding more, that is an ongoing process) and in the end the clear matt sealant. If you try this I have to add that even of the sealant is clear and matt, it still changes the brightness and shades of the colours! You need to seal it but maybe try it first with not to important objects to get a feeling.

I will make a picture wearing the necklace but not now.  I attached the same beads from the front at the end. The fall down the back. This is a little detail that I love to include in my designs. 

I started creating her after Bisu had another crisis. Bisu is the last one of my little ones, my cats. He was getting more stable and better but just one too warm and humid day was all needed to get to another crisis. There are no reserves left in his body. I was standing before my partner (Rumpel), crying and saying, he is dying. Even if the crisis at that day was not too serious, something inside me felt like this. He was getting better again until tuesday night. Again, a crisis. Wednesday morning we went to his doctor and he was telling me the same. Bisu got another infusion, vitamins, anabolika, a lot of other medicaments, like in the last months... The doctor also said, he will get a little bit better again but I will have think about when I will be able to let him go. This is just the short version of this conversation and all the ones we had before. Maybe just to you, this is the best vetmed in leipzig (and in my work I got in contact with a lot of vetmeds and the vet clinic here), I know him for the last ten years and I deeply trust him (I would love to have a doc like this for me!). He said it would be okay to go with another infusion, but also that for him it would also be okay to let him go now.

My former flat mate, those mother brought my little ones 12 years ago to us (just 4 weeks old, nearly dead, skin and bones, pneumonia, worms... the vetmed at that time didn't believed they would survive), was still in holiday and I wanted him to be able to say good bye. We all thought it could and would maybe take another week or two or even a little bit more before it was really time. Then I was hoping he would be okay until next friday, so I could take the day off and spent some time with him. But no... yesterday I knew it has to be the next days, not the next week. Yesterday I finished her. After this I just knew what was the right decision. Even if Bisu is still fighting, even if he is still curious and wants to cuddle, even if he still reacts to me... his body is failing him. Most cats and dogs with cni are not dying from the toxics or so, they are dying due to starvation. It is no gentle death waiting for a cni cat or dogs. I can see now that his body started to feed from all the leftover muscles not only his hind legs. He is also afraid of everything strange and foreign again, also very agitated and anxious.

I have to wait until monday to phone Bisus doc (he is not here this weekend). But this one or two days will be okay. I don't want him to endure the stress of an unknown person. His doc is one of the few vetmeds where most cats and dogs are not afraid to go to. He is a special person and I think that in all that past months when we went to him nearly every days, I just saw two times a dog being afraid and nervous, says it all.

I am already mourning even thought Bisu is still here. It such a strange emotion knowing that your beloved cat will only be alive a day or two. I try to be relaxed, to be calm, because he is reacting after my emotions. It is hard. Also to have everything at a normal routine.

I am rambling, I know, please bare with me. My blog is something very personal for me and writing in my blog makes things real.

It all adds somehow. I love the colour of these beads and they were perfect for this project. The size, the surface, the shading. I bought them from Rebeccas The Curious Bead Shop.

In little parts we fell apart. Death may be the final piece but already before, if the process was going a long way, every day, there is a little bit more gone. I saw this with my mother when she got cancer. She was my mother until the end, the feelings were always the same, but her memory was already breaking down and with it the person I knew was gone even before I lost her completely.

Glas beads (quite cheap ones from Rco design) in bronze. I bought them because I loved the matt metallic colour, the rough lloking surface and the irregularity on the beads. 

I see it also with Bisu. His eyes, this bright looking eyes, always keeping his gaze on me, are still the same. But the strong, fearless, bold and quite often so impertinent cat is gone. Please, don't misunderstand me. He is still my Bisu. But with humans as well as with animals there is always to every time point in our lives something special that we should enjoy and value at that moment. Because we all change and sometimes along the way, may it be just to illness, we lose parts that we can never gain back.

I thread single strains of the glas beads with crochet beading thread before putting the necklace together. There are four rows in every strain because I really wanted the necklace to be sturdy in the end.

Yes, now in this moment I am mourning this. But it is nothing I want to mourn. Just to remember to live life now. Never wait like... when I will have time for this... oh, maybe next year... Also never let others decide for your life. The responsibility, no matter what bad things already happened, the responsibility what to make out of it right here and now, that lays only by oneself. That is sometimes overwhelming and heavy but also at the same time really great.

Just hands with tentacles. I love there shape and feeling. I thought of using them as earrings but not for this necklace. That would somehow not fit (just too much) and would take away from her face. So now there are waiting on my desc until I know what to make with them. Or maybe single pendants?

She is really beautiful in my eyes. She is pain. She is love. At day's end she is holding my tears. 

My Bisu... still a fight for every day more...

We are sitting on the balcony. The sun is shining, already very low at the sky with a warm, golden light. In the background the birds are singing (or rather making a lot of different sounds), some people are cooking (one can hear it with everybody having their windows open) and of course more normal life sounds like a washing maschine and (although just very faint) some cars driving.

We, that are Bisu and me. It is still a fight for his life. Just getting more severe, more urgent every day. There were already some moments I thought it was enough for him. He just didn't want to answer anymore, curled tight around himself and just was heartbreaking weak. But then, an hour later, he stood up to eat a little bit by himself and wanted to get cuddled.

He is still enjoying sitting on the balcony with me. He looks around, follows every bird fly, his ears and eyes wide and alert (in a good curious way). But he has nothing left to spare anymore. His normal weight was 5,5 kg. Last week he went from 4,3 to 4,2. Last thursday his weight was down to 3,5 kg. And even is he is my little one, he is really big for a cat like a norway or maine coon.

The problem is that we have to get food into him. He gets everything he wants now even if he has chronic kidney disease, the most important thing is to get him to eat. I bought every available cat food, cooked chicken (and smashes it into a smooth paste), got the reconvalence food from his doctor. The problem is not that he don't wants to eat. It is worse. He has some strange problem with his head, probably hitting it very hard. That was at the same time with the crisis of his kidneys. Probably both events are related to each other. Chewing is painful for him. With some pain medicine he will chew but then you can hear the teeth crushing to each other as if he would crush bones. This even goes through all the medicine. The he stops again. From the outside it looks good, there is no sign of inflammation, his teeth are beautiful, his x-rays from the head (we made them to check that nothing was broken in his head at the beginning) and if the doctor tries from the outside there is no sign for pain. But... Bisu won't let him look inside his mouth. He even tries to bite and that from a cat that got a catheter into his little penis years ago with just some gel outside the skin and no real pain treatment without any problems.

To be able to examine his mouths / teeth we need to look inside his mouth. This won't work without getting him calmed down or to sleep. Both ways are not possible because his kidneys are dangerously unstable and that would be too much for the body. So we have to get him stable before we can look for whatever causes this crushing problems with his teeth. But for that he has to gain weight and eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. But he won't because it is painful. He gets now something for the pain, every day a little bit but that is playing with the worst. Because every treatment stresses his kidneys further.

In germany we have some kind of saying: Die Katze beißt sich in den Schwanz. Directly translated it would mean: The cat bites in his tail. The meaning is: Going round in circles or the cat is chasing is tail (I was told sometimes this is also used).

We are now fighting for time. I joked with his doctor that if he gets me a bed I would move in because I am there every other day to even every day with Bisu.

I already lost Dean and Grusel this year I don't want to lose Bisu too. Where did all the years go? How can twelve years go by so fast? How can life be so unfair? He is still curious, he still wants to eat even if he endures just a little bit, he still wants to cuddle, he still love to sit on the balcony with me... but as much as I desperatly hope that he will get through the crisis, that he, that we will win... I also fear that I won't able to let him go at the right moment. Because I can't stand the pain to lose my last little one.

The pictures are from sitting on the said balcony and yes, that is my leg next to him. He is so thin. Thanks for all your messages for Dean and for Grusel and for Bisu you already left me. I am sorry if I didn't answer. It means so much for me to hear your words but it is sometimes difficult to write more than this here.

We won so many fights together. I don't want to lose him.

Abstract letters earrings - and no time to breath...

This is my favorite pair of earrings at the moment. I used fimo effect as polymer clay, ice quartz, which is a light blue, mixed with transparent and shimmer. One of the new colour effects from fimo. Actually it is strange because you can't see the real colour due to the black acrylic paint (Reeves) I used to enhance the stamped letters and the inka gold in green-gold from viva. But still I didn't cover the whole polymer clay bead so it is shimmering through and the underground always changes the effect of the colours on top. 

For you who know me and especially my cats...

I brought Grusel ashes home with me last saturday. But I still can't really cry because now my third and last little one is ill. He has chronic kidney failure and now it is all about fighting for his life. Not a good year. Not at all. Sometimes I can't breath due to panic and pain. Nothing compared to my poor little one. He is still curious and want attention and cuddling. But he lost weight, he has some blood in his left eye and problems with his back legs, leg weakness. We went to his doctor at monday morning and are there now every morning so Bisu can get his infusion. He feels better afterwards, eats a tiny little bit (even one of the pills) and follows me at every step. He really tries to come with me when I am finally leaving for work. 

He has to survive now this crisis. Of course, CNI is CNI (or CRF in english, CNI is the german abbrevation). No cure, a chronic disease. But there is the chance that this is not the end right now. That we can get some time for him, good time. 

But the chance that he will get 20 (he is 12 now) are not so high anymore... I always told all my cats, all my three little ones, my lil' black devils, that they have to reach 20 years... or that they even should not die at all! Now I lost Dean and Grusel in the last three months. I am breaking down at the thought that I will also lose Bisu and maybe even very soon. Just shattering inside. 

That is the last feeling and reaction I should have. Animals are very sensitive and cats like dogs are reacting to their humans. If I am panicking, Bisu will also be afraid. Simple as that. Hard as that.

We spend the last two hours on the balcony, sitting at the floor together, cuddling (but just short, he don't want to be touched to often, he just wants to be very close). He is still curious, he comes when I call, he drinks and eats (just should eat more)... 

...he is also still searching for his brother or brothers... smelling them, going from room to room...

...I don't want to lose him too. I love him so much. I love them all. 

Grusel.

Grusel is dead.

Life sucks. It is not fair. It just isn't fair at all. Not even three months after Dean died. I didn't recover from Deans death until now...

I don't want it to be true. It can't be true. It can't. Just can't.

I am still denying it. Even while I was holding his dead body in my arms. It was an accident. He fall down. Came down on the side. There was nothing anymore to do.

Writing this down makes it somehow more real. It hurts so much. Like breaking down in thousand little pieces, each one cutting inside.

I am missing my Grusel. I am missing my Dean.

Bisu, my third and last little one (even if he is not little at all), is really traumatized. He doesn't want to eat. He eats if I put it in my hand but not much and not at all from his bowl and if it falls out of his mouth he doesn't want it anymore. Only skin and bones. I am sad and worried at the same time.

He also hides most of the day and just comes out when I am at home. It is hard for him. He is a cat, I can't explain anything to him. For him his world is falling apart. I am so sorry for him. We both have to try to adjust.

But even thinking of them makes breathing painful and difficult, tears and shreds me inside.

Grusel is dead. I wrote it down. Finally.

I am so sorry meine Kleinen.

Sometimes the pain goes deep

I know I didn't write anything for a long time now. I just couldn't. Sometimes it needs all the energy to go on, to keep oneself together...

Most people can't understand what I was and still am feeling. One of my little ones, of my black cats died while I am still here in korea. Dean. He was perfectly healthy and it was just some kind of accident. What really happened we will never know. Just that he was in pain, he even bite Rumpel and then he was not really moving anymore. Rumpel and sun-lost (my former flatmate, it was his mother who brought the cats as little lost 4 week old nearly dead babies to us 12 years ago) took him to the doctor (the best one around Leipzig, even if he was helpless this time he already saved so many beloved animals from friends as well as mine... even from mistakes other doctors or even the clinic made). He said there is nothing he could do anymore, just to end the pain.

I was not there.

There is not much more to say. I know that we saved their life so many years ago and he had a good life. Still I feel guilty like... I should have played more with him, pet him more, especially because all of our cats were stressed due to moving into a new apartment over new year.

But I know that the day before the accident happened he was cuddling with Rumpel (even if Rumpel is allergic), lying next to him on the sofa. Dean was the one who recovered quite fast from the move, the one who finally got on the top of the food chain of my three cats. Normally he was at the bottom.

Just writing this sends me back to tears.

I had to read about his death in an email. It was not really possible to get me at the phone here in korea and Rumpel had to go to the hospital because Dean bite him in the hand. They had to operate his hand therefore he had to stay several days in the hospital and they don't have internet access there. Not the best time for him, for me or for us. I was so worried about him and so sad about the loss of Dean.

They say time heals all pain. I am sorry to say that this is not true. It is just that it is not at the front anymore. You don't think so often anymore of the reason for the pain. You also can smile at the good memories again. But in the moments you remember, the pain is back with all force. My mother died about ten years ago. It was cancer. And still, just hearing a certain song and all the memory of her as well as the pain is back.

A lot of people can't understand how deeply I love my cats. For them there are just pets. Some people are even shocked by the idea that you could love an animal so much. I fought for their lives so long ago and somehow along the way they also saved me. During all the really hard times in the last years, during the times when the wall between me and the rest of the world made me speechless, they were there. Bisu, Grusel and of course Dean. (some of my pictures from them: Dean, Grusel, Bisu) It may sound a little bit hard, but nobody is allowed to judge me on how and how deep I should feel. How much of pain and how many tears are okay and what is "too much" regarding to a pet. Dean was one of my little ones, my little beloved black ones.

It will be so strange coming back home and Dean won't be there to welcome me.

December cats...

...it is cold.

But my cats know how to use pillows and blankets. They really snuggle under a blanket and love to sleep this way ^^

You always have to be careful to look out for a cat before going into bed!

...sometimes being decorative is more important than being under the blanket...

...but is has to be very cold before Bisu wants to hide under a blanket. Most of the time he sleeps like this!

PS: The three first fotos are from Dean. My third cat Grusel tries to sleep on my lap when it is getting cold. Blankets are nice but why use a blanket if you can use a human insteadt? ^^

PPS: Although it looks like Dean is a short hair cat he really isn't. His hair is longer than 3 to 4 cm, it just lays flat on the body most of the time (same with grusel). But now with the winter coat / under coat the hair goes straight in all directions that is why he sometimes looks like a stuffed teddy ^^

Lisboa II warmers...

...yes, it is hot outside. 25 °C. Tomorrow even up to 27 °C... and the summer just showed it first hints ^^

But I love warmers... and I want to have more warmers... even if it will take months... (um...) months...! before I will wear them!

(Maybe... at night a little bit earlier...?)

Made out of jersey leftovers from different projects...

Perfectly matched to the Lisboa II scarf.... (I even use this jersey strings for binding and braiding my hair..!)

My cats are enjoying the sun. I think they are just little poser who wants to show off... with glittering fur in the sun! ^^

Grusel...

Bisu....

Only Dean preferred cuddling over being photographed ^^

Cat ocupation

Just a sort of a life sign ^^

Being Bisu!

...no more words needed ^^

...and the other side...

a little bit blurred... but I like it nevertheless ^^

Look at me!

One of my three black little (or to be honest for cats not very little ^^) devils!

This is Bisu. The one who just has to be everywhere where he thinks the action is! There are no closed doors, cabinets or trash cans which are safe of him! And even the meachnism of the toilett flush he managed to get worked... *sigh*

But I just can't be angry looking in these eyes! ^^