Grey.

Der Himmel weint
und ich mit ihm.

The paradox.

I am waiting for you

My little ones to come

To soothe my pain

But you won’t come

Ever again because

I am crying for you.

My Bisu... still a fight for every day more...

We are sitting on the balcony. The sun is shining, already very low at the sky with a warm, golden light. In the background the birds are singing (or rather making a lot of different sounds), some people are cooking (one can hear it with everybody having their windows open) and of course more normal life sounds like a washing maschine and (although just very faint) some cars driving.

We, that are Bisu and me. It is still a fight for his life. Just getting more severe, more urgent every day. There were already some moments I thought it was enough for him. He just didn't want to answer anymore, curled tight around himself and just was heartbreaking weak. But then, an hour later, he stood up to eat a little bit by himself and wanted to get cuddled.

He is still enjoying sitting on the balcony with me. He looks around, follows every bird fly, his ears and eyes wide and alert (in a good curious way). But he has nothing left to spare anymore. His normal weight was 5,5 kg. Last week he went from 4,3 to 4,2. Last thursday his weight was down to 3,5 kg. And even is he is my little one, he is really big for a cat like a norway or maine coon.

The problem is that we have to get food into him. He gets everything he wants now even if he has chronic kidney disease, the most important thing is to get him to eat. I bought every available cat food, cooked chicken (and smashes it into a smooth paste), got the reconvalence food from his doctor. The problem is not that he don't wants to eat. It is worse. He has some strange problem with his head, probably hitting it very hard. That was at the same time with the crisis of his kidneys. Probably both events are related to each other. Chewing is painful for him. With some pain medicine he will chew but then you can hear the teeth crushing to each other as if he would crush bones. This even goes through all the medicine. The he stops again. From the outside it looks good, there is no sign of inflammation, his teeth are beautiful, his x-rays from the head (we made them to check that nothing was broken in his head at the beginning) and if the doctor tries from the outside there is no sign for pain. But... Bisu won't let him look inside his mouth. He even tries to bite and that from a cat that got a catheter into his little penis years ago with just some gel outside the skin and no real pain treatment without any problems.

To be able to examine his mouths / teeth we need to look inside his mouth. This won't work without getting him calmed down or to sleep. Both ways are not possible because his kidneys are dangerously unstable and that would be too much for the body. So we have to get him stable before we can look for whatever causes this crushing problems with his teeth. But for that he has to gain weight and eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. But he won't because it is painful. He gets now something for the pain, every day a little bit but that is playing with the worst. Because every treatment stresses his kidneys further.

In germany we have some kind of saying: Die Katze beißt sich in den Schwanz. Directly translated it would mean: The cat bites in his tail. The meaning is: Going round in circles or the cat is chasing is tail (I was told sometimes this is also used).

We are now fighting for time. I joked with his doctor that if he gets me a bed I would move in because I am there every other day to even every day with Bisu.

I already lost Dean and Grusel this year I don't want to lose Bisu too. Where did all the years go? How can twelve years go by so fast? How can life be so unfair? He is still curious, he still wants to eat even if he endures just a little bit, he still wants to cuddle, he still love to sit on the balcony with me... but as much as I desperatly hope that he will get through the crisis, that he, that we will win... I also fear that I won't able to let him go at the right moment. Because I can't stand the pain to lose my last little one.

The pictures are from sitting on the said balcony and yes, that is my leg next to him. He is so thin. Thanks for all your messages for Dean and for Grusel and for Bisu you already left me. I am sorry if I didn't answer. It means so much for me to hear your words but it is sometimes difficult to write more than this here.

We won so many fights together. I don't want to lose him.

Abstract letters earrings - and no time to breath...

This is my favorite pair of earrings at the moment. I used fimo effect as polymer clay, ice quartz, which is a light blue, mixed with transparent and shimmer. One of the new colour effects from fimo. Actually it is strange because you can't see the real colour due to the black acrylic paint (Reeves) I used to enhance the stamped letters and the inka gold in green-gold from viva. But still I didn't cover the whole polymer clay bead so it is shimmering through and the underground always changes the effect of the colours on top. 

For you who know me and especially my cats...

I brought Grusel ashes home with me last saturday. But I still can't really cry because now my third and last little one is ill. He has chronic kidney failure and now it is all about fighting for his life. Not a good year. Not at all. Sometimes I can't breath due to panic and pain. Nothing compared to my poor little one. He is still curious and want attention and cuddling. But he lost weight, he has some blood in his left eye and problems with his back legs, leg weakness. We went to his doctor at monday morning and are there now every morning so Bisu can get his infusion. He feels better afterwards, eats a tiny little bit (even one of the pills) and follows me at every step. He really tries to come with me when I am finally leaving for work. 

He has to survive now this crisis. Of course, CNI is CNI (or CRF in english, CNI is the german abbrevation). No cure, a chronic disease. But there is the chance that this is not the end right now. That we can get some time for him, good time. 

But the chance that he will get 20 (he is 12 now) are not so high anymore... I always told all my cats, all my three little ones, my lil' black devils, that they have to reach 20 years... or that they even should not die at all! Now I lost Dean and Grusel in the last three months. I am breaking down at the thought that I will also lose Bisu and maybe even very soon. Just shattering inside. 

That is the last feeling and reaction I should have. Animals are very sensitive and cats like dogs are reacting to their humans. If I am panicking, Bisu will also be afraid. Simple as that. Hard as that.

We spend the last two hours on the balcony, sitting at the floor together, cuddling (but just short, he don't want to be touched to often, he just wants to be very close). He is still curious, he comes when I call, he drinks and eats (just should eat more)... 

...he is also still searching for his brother or brothers... smelling them, going from room to room...

...I don't want to lose him too. I love him so much. I love them all. 

Grusel.

Grusel is dead.

Life sucks. It is not fair. It just isn't fair at all. Not even three months after Dean died. I didn't recover from Deans death until now...

I don't want it to be true. It can't be true. It can't. Just can't.

I am still denying it. Even while I was holding his dead body in my arms. It was an accident. He fall down. Came down on the side. There was nothing anymore to do.

Writing this down makes it somehow more real. It hurts so much. Like breaking down in thousand little pieces, each one cutting inside.

I am missing my Grusel. I am missing my Dean.

Bisu, my third and last little one (even if he is not little at all), is really traumatized. He doesn't want to eat. He eats if I put it in my hand but not much and not at all from his bowl and if it falls out of his mouth he doesn't want it anymore. Only skin and bones. I am sad and worried at the same time.

He also hides most of the day and just comes out when I am at home. It is hard for him. He is a cat, I can't explain anything to him. For him his world is falling apart. I am so sorry for him. We both have to try to adjust.

But even thinking of them makes breathing painful and difficult, tears and shreds me inside.

Grusel is dead. I wrote it down. Finally.

I am so sorry meine Kleinen.

Sometimes the pain goes deep

I know I didn't write anything for a long time now. I just couldn't. Sometimes it needs all the energy to go on, to keep oneself together...

Most people can't understand what I was and still am feeling. One of my little ones, of my black cats died while I am still here in korea. Dean. He was perfectly healthy and it was just some kind of accident. What really happened we will never know. Just that he was in pain, he even bite Rumpel and then he was not really moving anymore. Rumpel and sun-lost (my former flatmate, it was his mother who brought the cats as little lost 4 week old nearly dead babies to us 12 years ago) took him to the doctor (the best one around Leipzig, even if he was helpless this time he already saved so many beloved animals from friends as well as mine... even from mistakes other doctors or even the clinic made). He said there is nothing he could do anymore, just to end the pain.

I was not there.

There is not much more to say. I know that we saved their life so many years ago and he had a good life. Still I feel guilty like... I should have played more with him, pet him more, especially because all of our cats were stressed due to moving into a new apartment over new year.

But I know that the day before the accident happened he was cuddling with Rumpel (even if Rumpel is allergic), lying next to him on the sofa. Dean was the one who recovered quite fast from the move, the one who finally got on the top of the food chain of my three cats. Normally he was at the bottom.

Just writing this sends me back to tears.

I had to read about his death in an email. It was not really possible to get me at the phone here in korea and Rumpel had to go to the hospital because Dean bite him in the hand. They had to operate his hand therefore he had to stay several days in the hospital and they don't have internet access there. Not the best time for him, for me or for us. I was so worried about him and so sad about the loss of Dean.

They say time heals all pain. I am sorry to say that this is not true. It is just that it is not at the front anymore. You don't think so often anymore of the reason for the pain. You also can smile at the good memories again. But in the moments you remember, the pain is back with all force. My mother died about ten years ago. It was cancer. And still, just hearing a certain song and all the memory of her as well as the pain is back.

A lot of people can't understand how deeply I love my cats. For them there are just pets. Some people are even shocked by the idea that you could love an animal so much. I fought for their lives so long ago and somehow along the way they also saved me. During all the really hard times in the last years, during the times when the wall between me and the rest of the world made me speechless, they were there. Bisu, Grusel and of course Dean. (some of my pictures from them: Dean, Grusel, Bisu) It may sound a little bit hard, but nobody is allowed to judge me on how and how deep I should feel. How much of pain and how many tears are okay and what is "too much" regarding to a pet. Dean was one of my little ones, my little beloved black ones.

It will be so strange coming back home and Dean won't be there to welcome me.

Pink tentacle towel!

Okay, now I not only have a good friend loving pink... (she is the one which received the pink advent calendars!) ...but my friend loves pink too. I think especially the humorous aspect of it, but if you know me and the strories about pink items for the pink advent calendars - you know that I am an expert regarding to pink! Not that I am too fond of pink, I am not (or rather just of the really bright pink colour). 

And what goes with pink?

Of course....

A TENTACLE!

As I saw this really bright pink towl (the first picture shows the real colour, pink is difficult to catch for my digi) I had to buy it for him... 

...but what would a pink towel be without a tentacel? Ah! You also don't have an answer to that? Me neither ^^ Therefor I used some black cotton jersey and stitched the tentacel onto the towel. 

And as you see... Grusel loved it as well! In the moment I started to take pictures he jumped into the pink! But the moved all the time finding to get the perfect place so only blurred images of him.

I used jersey because it can be strechted and I could sew it with raw edges! Until now it has survived my friend and the washer! (now means weeks or even months now and it is in regular use all the time :)).

Crochet bangle...

...or bracelet? Can I use both words or is one of them better describing this little crochet thing? :)

I made this one by crocheting around a plastic ring. I got the ring as I bought a scarf. The store was closing so you got also the stuff they used for hanging up the scarfs and other stuff. It fits perfectly as a bangle :)

The crochet was made really tight so I could create the little wave like structure on the outside. It reminds me of the fin around the head of a calamar ^^

This is Grusel, one of my little black devils. Every one of my three black cats knows that they get the best effect with their shiny fur by lying on bright fabrics! 

And yes, there is an egyptian cat goddess in the background. It was a present for me, an replica from a museum :)

The text on the base says:

Egyptian cat:

The ancient egyptian cat is sacred to Bast, the goddess of love, fertility and joy. These cats were characteristically upright, confident of their power and beauty.

Suits for my little (not so little for cats) ones :)

Little vampire cats...

...yes, sometimes they love each other!

But realising that I have seen this...

...a minute later they had to start a fight.

*sigh*

Boys.

Lisboa II warmers...

...yes, it is hot outside. 25 °C. Tomorrow even up to 27 °C... and the summer just showed it first hints ^^

But I love warmers... and I want to have more warmers... even if it will take months... (um...) months...! before I will wear them!

(Maybe... at night a little bit earlier...?)

Made out of jersey leftovers from different projects...

Perfectly matched to the Lisboa II scarf.... (I even use this jersey strings for binding and braiding my hair..!)

My cats are enjoying the sun. I think they are just little poser who wants to show off... with glittering fur in the sun! ^^

Grusel...

Bisu....

Only Dean preferred cuddling over being photographed ^^

Cat ocupation

Just a sort of a life sign ^^

The new camera!

I got a new camera! It was a birthday present from friends of mine. Thanks a lot to all of you! I had to sniff!

So there will be a lot of new pictures in the next time. But there is no real picture editing programm on the computer I am using at the moment (yes, I'll install one ;) ) so here just one first picture:

Grusel (the name is german and means something like "scary"): one of my three black cats