You can find me here today

..and of course I still have to show and tell you something from the Happy Pop-Up Market (it was really great! :))

Shiny leaves - polymer clay, new molds and how to make them

I nearly forgot to take a picture from this pair! The earrings are already sold at the fair last saturday I attended. The first one in this year. It was the Happy Pop-Up Market in Leipzig. The distraction was perfect for my mind. Something else beside my normal work (don't get me wrong, I love the work in the lab, but at the moment there is a lot going on in my mind) and especially besides my worries for my little one, my cat Bisu. 

The leaves were made with polymer clay. I used Fimo effect in jade. One of the new colours that is a mix of translucent, colour and some mica powder. The original colour is beautiful but still... I need more layers of colour, more depths... Therefore I added some dark green acrylic paint (Reeves) and Inka gold (Viva) in copper on top. They are very thin and a little bit bendable therefor not fragile!

Centi (have a look at her blog!) liked my leaves and letters earrings but said that she would prefer some more natural, leaf-like structure. That was motivation enough for me to make new molds. Okay, I already have a lot of molds... but of course you can't ever have too many molds... and also I now have a clay / pasta machine! This allows me to make even thin sheets of clay. I made thin sheets at setting 5 or 4 because I wanted to press the finished molds together with clay through my machine. 

After I made the sheets with polymer clay (I always prefer Fimo classic, Fimo soft don't gets all the small details and even "melts" a little bit while baking) I pressed plants on top. 

The little flowers I pressed again and again in the polymer clay to create a big pattern.

The leaf was pressed carefully but still firm on top of the sheet...

I removed the leaf before I baked the clay. 

Not every leaf has veins strong or big enough to create good molds. If I see interesting leaves I just take some with me and test the leaf by using a small ball of polymer clay. I just fold the leaf around the polymer clay ball... 

...and press gently.

After this you can see what kind of pattern a mold made with this leaf would make. I also like this way to get a small bead "stamped" on both sides. Just bake it and drill a hole in it later using a dremel!

Can you see how different in details, in pattern and especially also in depth the impression of the leaves are on the polymer clay?

Of course I wanted a lot of different molds! 

This are some of my molds. I really love this one for all it strong veins and the pattern they create!

A lot of long leaves pressed on top of each other...

...this one is rather a "typical" vein structure... the one most children would paint if asked to do so.

Even the molds are beautiful...

The other good thing with Fimo classic compared to Fimo soft: You can use water for your molds so the new polymer clay won't stick to them. But I prefer talcum powder. I use the one from penaten (intended for babies). But I also always paint the beads I make. The powder sticks a little bit to the polymer clay surface and if you use translucent polymer clay or a special colour it may be a problem. But the powder works way better than the water!

Here an example of two more beads I made with my new molds. I just have to bake, drill and paint them! Oh, and add several layers of shiny gloss...

Very simple molds to make, a lot people make them with leaves, my own drawers are already full with molds... but still every new mold has its own special beauty! And these mold sheets I can use with my clay / pasta maschine!

My Bisu... still a fight for every day more...

We are sitting on the balcony. The sun is shining, already very low at the sky with a warm, golden light. In the background the birds are singing (or rather making a lot of different sounds), some people are cooking (one can hear it with everybody having their windows open) and of course more normal life sounds like a washing maschine and (although just very faint) some cars driving.

We, that are Bisu and me. It is still a fight for his life. Just getting more severe, more urgent every day. There were already some moments I thought it was enough for him. He just didn't want to answer anymore, curled tight around himself and just was heartbreaking weak. But then, an hour later, he stood up to eat a little bit by himself and wanted to get cuddled.

He is still enjoying sitting on the balcony with me. He looks around, follows every bird fly, his ears and eyes wide and alert (in a good curious way). But he has nothing left to spare anymore. His normal weight was 5,5 kg. Last week he went from 4,3 to 4,2. Last thursday his weight was down to 3,5 kg. And even is he is my little one, he is really big for a cat like a norway or maine coon.

The problem is that we have to get food into him. He gets everything he wants now even if he has chronic kidney disease, the most important thing is to get him to eat. I bought every available cat food, cooked chicken (and smashes it into a smooth paste), got the reconvalence food from his doctor. The problem is not that he don't wants to eat. It is worse. He has some strange problem with his head, probably hitting it very hard. That was at the same time with the crisis of his kidneys. Probably both events are related to each other. Chewing is painful for him. With some pain medicine he will chew but then you can hear the teeth crushing to each other as if he would crush bones. This even goes through all the medicine. The he stops again. From the outside it looks good, there is no sign of inflammation, his teeth are beautiful, his x-rays from the head (we made them to check that nothing was broken in his head at the beginning) and if the doctor tries from the outside there is no sign for pain. But... Bisu won't let him look inside his mouth. He even tries to bite and that from a cat that got a catheter into his little penis years ago with just some gel outside the skin and no real pain treatment without any problems.

To be able to examine his mouths / teeth we need to look inside his mouth. This won't work without getting him calmed down or to sleep. Both ways are not possible because his kidneys are dangerously unstable and that would be too much for the body. So we have to get him stable before we can look for whatever causes this crushing problems with his teeth. But for that he has to gain weight and eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. But he won't because it is painful. He gets now something for the pain, every day a little bit but that is playing with the worst. Because every treatment stresses his kidneys further.

In germany we have some kind of saying: Die Katze beißt sich in den Schwanz. Directly translated it would mean: The cat bites in his tail. The meaning is: Going round in circles or the cat is chasing is tail (I was told sometimes this is also used).

We are now fighting for time. I joked with his doctor that if he gets me a bed I would move in because I am there every other day to even every day with Bisu.

I already lost Dean and Grusel this year I don't want to lose Bisu too. Where did all the years go? How can twelve years go by so fast? How can life be so unfair? He is still curious, he still wants to eat even if he endures just a little bit, he still wants to cuddle, he still love to sit on the balcony with me... but as much as I desperatly hope that he will get through the crisis, that he, that we will win... I also fear that I won't able to let him go at the right moment. Because I can't stand the pain to lose my last little one.

The pictures are from sitting on the said balcony and yes, that is my leg next to him. He is so thin. Thanks for all your messages for Dean and for Grusel and for Bisu you already left me. I am sorry if I didn't answer. It means so much for me to hear your words but it is sometimes difficult to write more than this here.

We won so many fights together. I don't want to lose him.

Abstract letters earrings - and no time to breath...

This is my favorite pair of earrings at the moment. I used fimo effect as polymer clay, ice quartz, which is a light blue, mixed with transparent and shimmer. One of the new colour effects from fimo. Actually it is strange because you can't see the real colour due to the black acrylic paint (Reeves) I used to enhance the stamped letters and the inka gold in green-gold from viva. But still I didn't cover the whole polymer clay bead so it is shimmering through and the underground always changes the effect of the colours on top. 

For you who know me and especially my cats...

I brought Grusel ashes home with me last saturday. But I still can't really cry because now my third and last little one is ill. He has chronic kidney failure and now it is all about fighting for his life. Not a good year. Not at all. Sometimes I can't breath due to panic and pain. Nothing compared to my poor little one. He is still curious and want attention and cuddling. But he lost weight, he has some blood in his left eye and problems with his back legs, leg weakness. We went to his doctor at monday morning and are there now every morning so Bisu can get his infusion. He feels better afterwards, eats a tiny little bit (even one of the pills) and follows me at every step. He really tries to come with me when I am finally leaving for work. 

He has to survive now this crisis. Of course, CNI is CNI (or CRF in english, CNI is the german abbrevation). No cure, a chronic disease. But there is the chance that this is not the end right now. That we can get some time for him, good time. 

But the chance that he will get 20 (he is 12 now) are not so high anymore... I always told all my cats, all my three little ones, my lil' black devils, that they have to reach 20 years... or that they even should not die at all! Now I lost Dean and Grusel in the last three months. I am breaking down at the thought that I will also lose Bisu and maybe even very soon. Just shattering inside. 

That is the last feeling and reaction I should have. Animals are very sensitive and cats like dogs are reacting to their humans. If I am panicking, Bisu will also be afraid. Simple as that. Hard as that.

We spend the last two hours on the balcony, sitting at the floor together, cuddling (but just short, he don't want to be touched to often, he just wants to be very close). He is still curious, he comes when I call, he drinks and eats (just should eat more)... 

...he is also still searching for his brother or brothers... smelling them, going from room to room...

...I don't want to lose him too. I love him so much. I love them all. 

Grusel.

Grusel is dead.

Life sucks. It is not fair. It just isn't fair at all. Not even three months after Dean died. I didn't recover from Deans death until now...

I don't want it to be true. It can't be true. It can't. Just can't.

I am still denying it. Even while I was holding his dead body in my arms. It was an accident. He fall down. Came down on the side. There was nothing anymore to do.

Writing this down makes it somehow more real. It hurts so much. Like breaking down in thousand little pieces, each one cutting inside.

I am missing my Grusel. I am missing my Dean.

Bisu, my third and last little one (even if he is not little at all), is really traumatized. He doesn't want to eat. He eats if I put it in my hand but not much and not at all from his bowl and if it falls out of his mouth he doesn't want it anymore. Only skin and bones. I am sad and worried at the same time.

He also hides most of the day and just comes out when I am at home. It is hard for him. He is a cat, I can't explain anything to him. For him his world is falling apart. I am so sorry for him. We both have to try to adjust.

But even thinking of them makes breathing painful and difficult, tears and shreds me inside.

Grusel is dead. I wrote it down. Finally.

I am so sorry meine Kleinen.