My Bisu... still a fight for every day more...

We are sitting on the balcony. The sun is shining, already very low at the sky with a warm, golden light. In the background the birds are singing (or rather making a lot of different sounds), some people are cooking (one can hear it with everybody having their windows open) and of course more normal life sounds like a washing maschine and (although just very faint) some cars driving.

We, that are Bisu and me. It is still a fight for his life. Just getting more severe, more urgent every day. There were already some moments I thought it was enough for him. He just didn't want to answer anymore, curled tight around himself and just was heartbreaking weak. But then, an hour later, he stood up to eat a little bit by himself and wanted to get cuddled.

He is still enjoying sitting on the balcony with me. He looks around, follows every bird fly, his ears and eyes wide and alert (in a good curious way). But he has nothing left to spare anymore. His normal weight was 5,5 kg. Last week he went from 4,3 to 4,2. Last thursday his weight was down to 3,5 kg. And even is he is my little one, he is really big for a cat like a norway or maine coon.

The problem is that we have to get food into him. He gets everything he wants now even if he has chronic kidney disease, the most important thing is to get him to eat. I bought every available cat food, cooked chicken (and smashes it into a smooth paste), got the reconvalence food from his doctor. The problem is not that he don't wants to eat. It is worse. He has some strange problem with his head, probably hitting it very hard. That was at the same time with the crisis of his kidneys. Probably both events are related to each other. Chewing is painful for him. With some pain medicine he will chew but then you can hear the teeth crushing to each other as if he would crush bones. This even goes through all the medicine. The he stops again. From the outside it looks good, there is no sign of inflammation, his teeth are beautiful, his x-rays from the head (we made them to check that nothing was broken in his head at the beginning) and if the doctor tries from the outside there is no sign for pain. But... Bisu won't let him look inside his mouth. He even tries to bite and that from a cat that got a catheter into his little penis years ago with just some gel outside the skin and no real pain treatment without any problems.

To be able to examine his mouths / teeth we need to look inside his mouth. This won't work without getting him calmed down or to sleep. Both ways are not possible because his kidneys are dangerously unstable and that would be too much for the body. So we have to get him stable before we can look for whatever causes this crushing problems with his teeth. But for that he has to gain weight and eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. But he won't because it is painful. He gets now something for the pain, every day a little bit but that is playing with the worst. Because every treatment stresses his kidneys further.

In germany we have some kind of saying: Die Katze beißt sich in den Schwanz. Directly translated it would mean: The cat bites in his tail. The meaning is: Going round in circles or the cat is chasing is tail (I was told sometimes this is also used).

We are now fighting for time. I joked with his doctor that if he gets me a bed I would move in because I am there every other day to even every day with Bisu.

I already lost Dean and Grusel this year I don't want to lose Bisu too. Where did all the years go? How can twelve years go by so fast? How can life be so unfair? He is still curious, he still wants to eat even if he endures just a little bit, he still wants to cuddle, he still love to sit on the balcony with me... but as much as I desperatly hope that he will get through the crisis, that he, that we will win... I also fear that I won't able to let him go at the right moment. Because I can't stand the pain to lose my last little one.

The pictures are from sitting on the said balcony and yes, that is my leg next to him. He is so thin. Thanks for all your messages for Dean and for Grusel and for Bisu you already left me. I am sorry if I didn't answer. It means so much for me to hear your words but it is sometimes difficult to write more than this here.

We won so many fights together. I don't want to lose him.