Grusel.

Grusel is dead.

Life sucks. It is not fair. It just isn't fair at all. Not even three months after Dean died. I didn't recover from Deans death until now...

I don't want it to be true. It can't be true. It can't. Just can't.

I am still denying it. Even while I was holding his dead body in my arms. It was an accident. He fall down. Came down on the side. There was nothing anymore to do.

Writing this down makes it somehow more real. It hurts so much. Like breaking down in thousand little pieces, each one cutting inside.

I am missing my Grusel. I am missing my Dean.

Bisu, my third and last little one (even if he is not little at all), is really traumatized. He doesn't want to eat. He eats if I put it in my hand but not much and not at all from his bowl and if it falls out of his mouth he doesn't want it anymore. Only skin and bones. I am sad and worried at the same time.

He also hides most of the day and just comes out when I am at home. It is hard for him. He is a cat, I can't explain anything to him. For him his world is falling apart. I am so sorry for him. We both have to try to adjust.

But even thinking of them makes breathing painful and difficult, tears and shreds me inside.

Grusel is dead. I wrote it down. Finally.

I am so sorry meine Kleinen.