All my new beads: Organic shapes and structures, swellegant and a lot of oxidation!

Okay, here we go with a lot of the polymer clay beads I made over the past weeks. Yes, weeks. Most of them during the last days of Bisu. I don't like the pain inside of me that comes up just writing down his name. But I know that I just made another step into creating beads with polymer clay because of all the stress, fear and pain. Because I had to decide the timepoint to let him go. I don't want to write more because... as I just wrote in the last and the sentence before... it hurts. Also I would rather have my little ones, all my little ones back than to be able to create these beads. 

Creating is what keeps me sane and also express myself. I can't get enough from the new shapes and patterns and structures of these beads. I love the organic feeling, the rough texture ad (at least for me) surprising shapes. Just to let go of the control, fall into the process of woking with the clay and go on. Also to trust the process itself. That things come together in the end (not always but if I work without hesitation, then more often than not!).

The use of metal paints and patinas on top just add to the organic process of creation as well as the organic feel of the beads itself. I used the swellegant paints from Christie Friesen (I just forgot the company that produces the paints, sorry, I will add it later).

Here a little overview of all the beads. Just the leaves in the middle are not made by me and also not polymer clay. They were some cheap aluminum alloy (silver colour) charms I bought some time ago. They look quite cheap but with a nice shape. After adding the paint... I think they look so stunning! All the other beads are made with polymer clay (fimo classic). 

This is the back from the beads above. I just brass and a combination of different patinas.

This time iron paint with different patinas... 

...and the back. I really use a lot of paint and patine because I love these rough edges and flakes that really look like rust grown over time!

Brass again. 

...and the back side... or just the other side because I am still not sure which side I prefer ^^

This is a single bead. As you can see I prefer to make beads in pairs. The reason is simple: I prefer to create earrings! 

A different view...

I changed to copper. I really like copper but if I had to chose brass would be my all time favorite (I am surprised because I am not too fond of gold), second comes bronze... and the iron and copper. Last and this time really least: Silver. Silver is beautiful but without the oxidation process not too special for me. I already have a lot of beautiful silver paints and just because here I have real silver inside... mh... no. I prefer the organic oxidation process!

The other side... also not sure if this is the back side!

Here we have an example for bronze. Surprisingly this darkens even after I stopped the oxidation process with the patinas. Just normal air was enough!

The other side, also so beautiful!

Simple rings/donuts made from polymer clay...

...with different textures on both sides...

Iron again. Oh, just look at the structures! 

...or the pure rust!

I played with some snail / nautilus shape. I tried to keep the shape simple and easy, just add basic textures and shapes. As you cann see: I tried bronze, iron and copper.

...with holes on top...

...but the backside... again I am torn about my favorite side ;)

This is an easy shape: Polymer clay pressed in a normal metal ring. 

It adds dimension.

Here we go into the iron ages! (Not really but the beads have something tribal for me!) 

Rust and more rust!

Little brass pieces. Also very tribal...

The different shades of blue and green and white... 

The aluminium alloy leaves I covered either in bronze (left one) or brass.

What you can see here is that the use of metal paints (several layers) a lot of the small details are lost. But don't be afraid, this rather adds to the organic look after oxidation!

And really dark with bronze...

At first I was afraid to use them. But I already made some earrings over the last days! I am thinking about starting to sell my beads. I love to create new beads. I make way more than I am ever using for myself (oh yes, I have a big stash from beads I made over time ^^). I am also curious what over people would see in my creations and how the beads would evolve in their creations...

...but I have the same doubts as most creative people have? ;) 

Dots and more dots.

This is an older experiment I made some (a long) time ago. I pressed the dots inside the polymer clay, baked it and then started painting on top... just to sand it down to get the white clay I used as basis out again.

I have a lot more made, also for the travel challenge blog hop... but still everything is difficult. I need to take pictures, to edit them, to write... I really made a lot in the last days because creating is something I need to do. But for all the other parts I need more time and energy... and also maybe a new camera. My digi is on strike. I used to take good images with a few trials... no I am lucky to get one out of ten if at all. The digi has problems to focus.

Just like carved bone...

As I already wrote in my last post: I have a lot "stuff" made that I didn't show you. There are several reasons for this, like a lot of work due to a deadline, being still so full of pain (that always makes me very unsocial... I try to hide from myself) and something very mundane like a camera that is working nicely anymore. I am already looking for a new one, again a digital camera, good for macros but not too expensive. Until then taking pictures will cost me a lot of nerves. So as I am not in a mood to make these pictures again (or even already used / gave some beads away), I hope you will be okay with these :)

I used white polymer clay and dark brown (burned sienna) acrylic paint. These beads have such an organic feeling to me, a little bit tribal, I am really into them. The earrings were a gift for a friend. She was seeing (as well as liking) my first attempts with white clay and brown acrylic paint. She also like the earrings I made in the past beads combined with metal bronze rings on top, so this were just meant to be made for her :)

Some little round shaped beads that I sanded roughly down after adding the paint. You can see how many of the lines already are fading creating a worn texture. 

Just some kind of drops, again for a highly organic texture with the dots on the surface. I like to play with them in my hand, to feel the structured surface. Still unsure what to make with them.

And here one of my first experiments with the white and brown combination. I used cheap earring loops I got at a sale (like the one I used for this pair of earrings made with thread) and covered them with polymer clay. I added swirls and dots, cut the surface to create more surface for the colour later to set in.

Like the whole earring is a big large bead ^^

Can you see all the stripes where I cut the clay with a sharp blade? 

I tried with less brown paint in the beginning but I prefer this heavy stained look. 

Maybe not fitting to all the beads above but made in the same work session. Another friend saw the beads I made with the texture of an old stamped spoon (I also used it in my yellow challenge here) and asked for some smaller ones... in plain matt white. I am so curious what she will make out of them!

Inspirations: Snail (Worpswede, germany)

Sometimes a picture presents itself. The snail was sitting on the plants next to the front door where my grandmother lives. 

Inspirations: Birds (Worpswede, germany)

We went to my grandmother for a short visit (first time Rumpel meet her). We had a little walk before lunch and I was able to "catch" these little birds waiting on the sign for their parents to feed them. They could already fly... but still their parents were busy bringing new food (the first foto was while one of the parents came back, shouting to be the first one to be fed!). Teenager! Ha :)

Grey.

Der Himmel weint
und ich mit ihm.

The paradox.

I am waiting for you

My little ones to come

To soothe my pain

But you won’t come

Ever again because

I am crying for you.

At day's end...

She is beautiful.

It is sunday, the 11th of august, 2013, 11.31 (starting to write this blog entry... we will see how long it will take me to finish...).

I created her during the last days. I started at saturday and finished her the saturday after (yesterday). I made her out of polymer clay (this time a mixture of fimo classic and cernit, because I had it at hand). Originally it was white polymer clay and yes, I loved the matt white look. But it was not perfect somehow. Like with my doll head with the flowers I made some time ago (still not painted), I was afraid of ruining her by adding paint. But I needed to make her. I used the swellegant paints from Christie Friesen. Several layers of brass, all oxidation fluids (I wanted different shades and colours), a lot of different colour patines (don't ask me which ones... I am just going, trying, adding more, that is an ongoing process) and in the end the clear matt sealant. If you try this I have to add that even of the sealant is clear and matt, it still changes the brightness and shades of the colours! You need to seal it but maybe try it first with not to important objects to get a feeling.

I will make a picture wearing the necklace but not now.  I attached the same beads from the front at the end. The fall down the back. This is a little detail that I love to include in my designs. 

I started creating her after Bisu had another crisis. Bisu is the last one of my little ones, my cats. He was getting more stable and better but just one too warm and humid day was all needed to get to another crisis. There are no reserves left in his body. I was standing before my partner (Rumpel), crying and saying, he is dying. Even if the crisis at that day was not too serious, something inside me felt like this. He was getting better again until tuesday night. Again, a crisis. Wednesday morning we went to his doctor and he was telling me the same. Bisu got another infusion, vitamins, anabolika, a lot of other medicaments, like in the last months... The doctor also said, he will get a little bit better again but I will have think about when I will be able to let him go. This is just the short version of this conversation and all the ones we had before. Maybe just to you, this is the best vetmed in leipzig (and in my work I got in contact with a lot of vetmeds and the vet clinic here), I know him for the last ten years and I deeply trust him (I would love to have a doc like this for me!). He said it would be okay to go with another infusion, but also that for him it would also be okay to let him go now.

My former flat mate, those mother brought my little ones 12 years ago to us (just 4 weeks old, nearly dead, skin and bones, pneumonia, worms... the vetmed at that time didn't believed they would survive), was still in holiday and I wanted him to be able to say good bye. We all thought it could and would maybe take another week or two or even a little bit more before it was really time. Then I was hoping he would be okay until next friday, so I could take the day off and spent some time with him. But no... yesterday I knew it has to be the next days, not the next week. Yesterday I finished her. After this I just knew what was the right decision. Even if Bisu is still fighting, even if he is still curious and wants to cuddle, even if he still reacts to me... his body is failing him. Most cats and dogs with cni are not dying from the toxics or so, they are dying due to starvation. It is no gentle death waiting for a cni cat or dogs. I can see now that his body started to feed from all the leftover muscles not only his hind legs. He is also afraid of everything strange and foreign again, also very agitated and anxious.

I have to wait until monday to phone Bisus doc (he is not here this weekend). But this one or two days will be okay. I don't want him to endure the stress of an unknown person. His doc is one of the few vetmeds where most cats and dogs are not afraid to go to. He is a special person and I think that in all that past months when we went to him nearly every days, I just saw two times a dog being afraid and nervous, says it all.

I am already mourning even thought Bisu is still here. It such a strange emotion knowing that your beloved cat will only be alive a day or two. I try to be relaxed, to be calm, because he is reacting after my emotions. It is hard. Also to have everything at a normal routine.

I am rambling, I know, please bare with me. My blog is something very personal for me and writing in my blog makes things real.

It all adds somehow. I love the colour of these beads and they were perfect for this project. The size, the surface, the shading. I bought them from Rebeccas The Curious Bead Shop.

In little parts we fell apart. Death may be the final piece but already before, if the process was going a long way, every day, there is a little bit more gone. I saw this with my mother when she got cancer. She was my mother until the end, the feelings were always the same, but her memory was already breaking down and with it the person I knew was gone even before I lost her completely.

Glas beads (quite cheap ones from Rco design) in bronze. I bought them because I loved the matt metallic colour, the rough lloking surface and the irregularity on the beads. 

I see it also with Bisu. His eyes, this bright looking eyes, always keeping his gaze on me, are still the same. But the strong, fearless, bold and quite often so impertinent cat is gone. Please, don't misunderstand me. He is still my Bisu. But with humans as well as with animals there is always to every time point in our lives something special that we should enjoy and value at that moment. Because we all change and sometimes along the way, may it be just to illness, we lose parts that we can never gain back.

I thread single strains of the glas beads with crochet beading thread before putting the necklace together. There are four rows in every strain because I really wanted the necklace to be sturdy in the end.

Yes, now in this moment I am mourning this. But it is nothing I want to mourn. Just to remember to live life now. Never wait like... when I will have time for this... oh, maybe next year... Also never let others decide for your life. The responsibility, no matter what bad things already happened, the responsibility what to make out of it right here and now, that lays only by oneself. That is sometimes overwhelming and heavy but also at the same time really great.

Just hands with tentacles. I love there shape and feeling. I thought of using them as earrings but not for this necklace. That would somehow not fit (just too much) and would take away from her face. So now there are waiting on my desc until I know what to make with them. Or maybe single pendants?

She is really beautiful in my eyes. She is pain. She is love. At day's end she is holding my tears.