I realized how personal my blog is for me. It is strange because it is just an internet journal and also I edit myself what to write in this open-to-all medium. But still I already wrote time and time again about what is dear to me, what made me cry and I showed you some of my work that is deeply personal to me... showing more of myself than I could ever describe with words.
Today is mother's day and this is one holiday that is not part of my life at least not for celebrating. My mother died on mother's day. She died 2002. Cancer. I would even say cancer and other things because this happened after a long and hard journey. It is hard to realize that you are not always able to help. Devastating not only to learn from the ups but to be told the real downs.
I still want to protect my mother, want to change the things that already happened, things that are already long gone... Would have loved to be able to change things, change her life. It makes me sad and smiling at the same time that I remember her telling me I should be angry with her, shouting at her. I never could, not even as a small child, because I understood her. Now, so many years later, I understand even more. I know that she was right.
I miss her. I also miss the chance to get her known not only as my mother but also as person. I only got a glimpse of that, her thoughts, dreams and hopes. All the sides of your parents you will only know when you are also grown up (and even then you have even to... mh... somehow grow up more?). This is an ongoing process as we all are developing while we get older.
I am stopping now because I fear I will (or already have) started brabbling with no red line to follow. Maybe a part of me is just nervous showing another part of myself so openly. But here it is, this was what I wrote on the day my mother died, sitting hours later in the train home (and I kept all my original writing errors).
It truly was my mother’s day
Family and friends came all the way
To sit there waiting all night long
Waiting for mother’s day to come.
Scrawny she was, just skin and bone
But nevertheless the heart beats strong
And the will to live
Did not have gone.
The kisses were given; The loves were told;
The guilt was forgiven; Nothing bad more to hold.
I love you Mami. I always did.
I miss you Mami. I am still your kid.
We all sat there, near by her side
Listening to her song
Of breathing hard and loud,
Of water her lungs were full
It just sounded in an awful way cruel…
But it means she was alive
Until then, a quarter past five
I do not know if birds start to sing
All I knew was one mere thing:
Sky was turning grey…
…and my mother died on mothers’ day.