Most people can't understand what I was and still am feeling. One of my little ones, of my black cats died while I am still here in korea. Dean. He was perfectly healthy and it was just some kind of accident. What really happened we will never know. Just that he was in pain, he even bite Rumpel and then he was not really moving anymore. Rumpel and sun-lost (my former flatmate, it was his mother who brought the cats as little lost 4 week old nearly dead babies to us 12 years ago) took him to the doctor (the best one around Leipzig, even if he was helpless this time he already saved so many beloved animals from friends as well as mine... even from mistakes other doctors or even the clinic made). He said there is nothing he could do anymore, just to end the pain.
I was not there.
There is not much more to say. I know that we saved their life so many years ago and he had a good life. Still I feel guilty like... I should have played more with him, pet him more, especially because all of our cats were stressed due to moving into a new apartment over new year.
But I know that the day before the accident happened he was cuddling with Rumpel (even if Rumpel is allergic), lying next to him on the sofa. Dean was the one who recovered quite fast from the move, the one who finally got on the top of the food chain of my three cats. Normally he was at the bottom.
Just writing this sends me back to tears.
I had to read about his death in an email. It was not really possible to get me at the phone here in korea and Rumpel had to go to the hospital because Dean bite him in the hand. They had to operate his hand therefore he had to stay several days in the hospital and they don't have internet access there. Not the best time for him, for me or for us. I was so worried about him and so sad about the loss of Dean.
They say time heals all pain. I am sorry to say that this is not true. It is just that it is not at the front anymore. You don't think so often anymore of the reason for the pain. You also can smile at the good memories again. But in the moments you remember, the pain is back with all force. My mother died about ten years ago. It was cancer. And still, just hearing a certain song and all the memory of her as well as the pain is back.
A lot of people can't understand how deeply I love my cats. For them there are just pets. Some people are even shocked by the idea that you could love an animal so much. I fought for their lives so long ago and somehow along the way they also saved me. During all the really hard times in the last years, during the times when the wall between me and the rest of the world made me speechless, they were there. Bisu, Grusel and of course Dean. (some of my pictures from them: Dean, Grusel, Bisu) It may sound a little bit hard, but nobody is allowed to judge me on how and how deep I should feel. How much of pain and how many tears are okay and what is "too much" regarding to a pet. Dean was one of my little ones, my little beloved black ones.
It will be so strange coming back home and Dean won't be there to welcome me.